how i feel while reading ‘the mill pond’ by xTx

Reading ‘The Mill Pond’ and I remember ‘I’m just sad when I think of you being alone.’ Overwhelming familiarity and sadness. You are a stranger now, sort of. I throw myself face first into my pillow. Breathe in really deeply. Breathe out less deeply. My face is hot. Carbon dioxide surrounds me and fills my pillow like a balloon.

I move my head so that I can breathe in fresh air. My cat sits down next to me. Her backside is to my face. Her tail brushes my cheek. My eyes begin to water as I think of you. My cat turns around and puts her nose very close to my right eye. A tear spills out and over the bridge of my nose and my cat flinches.

The tear falls into my left eye. I think, ‘tears are so real man. you can’t fake tears.’ I think you can though. But these aren’t faked. These tears are real and I think, ‘I am so sad.’ My cat turns back around. I stare at her backside.

Another tear switches eyeballs. Both tears pass through my hair and then disappear into my pillow, absorbed. I am sad. I take a deep breath. I am old news. These are old feelings. I feel better. Then I feel worse.

I sit up and write everything down. This isn’t everything. Everything makes me cry. I finish reading ‘The Mill Pond.’

‘On my way down I’d wonder if I would ever be found and how nice it would feel to be looked for.’

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